When I arrived at YWAM Louisville for my DTS, I was broken. The taunts of the kids who bullied me at school had taken hold of my heart: “You’re a walking mistake. You’re a waste of air. You’re a whore.” And I believed their lies. I believed I was unlovable.
Desperate for acceptance, I aimed for perfection. I learned to become the person everyone else wanted me to be. I thought it would make them like me – if I tried hard enough, maybe even love me. But God wanted to set me free.
I used to consider death as an option. God rescued me from suicidal thoughts. I used to cut myself, looking for relief from the pain trapped inside me. God delivered me from that, too, replacing my shame with joy.
God showed me that I hated myself and didn’t believe He loved me. At first I was scared and hopeless; I thought I could never change! But one day I was talking to God and finally it clicked. I’d heard so many times in DTS that that my identity is in Christ, but I’d been holding on to pain for so long and I was afraid that if I let it go, I wouldn’t know who I was anymore. With God’s help I could finally say, “Yes! My value comes from God and no one else!” My shame doesn’t define me anymore. Now I’m free!
DTS was life changing. It reminds me of Job 42:5: “My ears had heard of you, but now my eyes have seen you.”