Before coming to DTS I really struggled with the question if God truly loved me. During the beginning of my senior year of high school, I wasn’t following the Lord at all. I had stopped going to church and stopped hanging out with my church friends. Anything that had to do with God, I wanted no part in.
A lot had happened during my junior year, all of which I blamed God for. In the span of three months, two people close to me had suddenly died and I was diagnosed with a rare genetic syndrome called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (EDS), which put many limitations on what I could do physically. I was the first in my family to be diagnosed with EDS. In what seemed like overnight, my entire life had changed. I was hopeless and angry. I felt alone. No one around me could understand what I was going through. All the plans I had for my future were suddenly gone. I had no idea what to expect from my condition or how it would affect me completely as I get older. Dreams I had I could no longer hope to achieve. Through all the anger I had towards God, He still met me there. I knew that He had forgiven me, but I wasn’t convinced that He loved me, I mean I had completely turned my back on Him. I was still angry and hurt by what had happened to me, though I would never admit it to anyone.
In what seemed like overnight, my entire life had changed. I was hopeless and angry. I felt alone.
So when He asked me to do a DTS, I thought this would be my one way for me to truly get Him to love me again. I thought that if I did everything perfectly in DTS He would forgive all my anger towards Him and forgive me. Nothing I did made me feel like it was enough. I didn’t feel like I was worthy enough to even ask for forgiveness or to ask Him to love me.
There was this one day during worship, when the Lord said to me, “Gabi, you are enough for me. Am I enough for you?” In that moment I realized I had made myself my savior. Through my works, I was trying to save myself by what I could present to God. Essentially, I didn’t see the cross and what Jesus had done for me, as enough to save me. Through the cross I was made worthy. Where I didn’t see myself as ever being worthy enough for Him, He’d always seen me as worthy. I realized that God saw me as priceless. God loves me without me doing anything for Him. Even through all the anger and hurt I still had towards Him, I was still enough for Him. He still saw me as worthy. He didn’t see me for what I could do for Him, He just saw me.
There was this one day during worship, when the Lord said to me, “Gabi, you are enough for me. Am I enough for you?”
Now, I walk in the confidence that the Lord loves me always. Even when I’m in a bad mood with Him or have a pity party or avoid hard things He wants to talk with me about, He still pursues me, still loves me, still is right next to me. I am confident in the fact that God is my savior, my father, my most loyal friend. I am confident that His love for me will never fail, even when I do.
– Gabi, January 2016 DTS